Saying No with love
My mother-in-law said it perfectly.
“I do not have the time to do the things I want to do, let alone do the things others want me to do”.
This process is one of integrity and honesty.
In our “busy” lives how much of what we do is done because culture and society says we should. Versus us doing things because they make us feel great?
How much time goes into managing processes and systems we feel obligated to do? Attending social engagements or taking on extra work?
All to often, we think it is easier for us to say yes than to say no. We think if we say No, we will upset someone or not be valued but who’s lives are we really limiting by trying to do everything for everyone?
What if, we only said yes if it was a 100% YES!
YES to learning a new skill, spending time with your family, switching your phone off or reading a book.
How do I know it is a yes or no?
You feel it instantly.
If it is a 100% yes, you instantly feel excitement and joy in your entire body. You can not ignore it, it is crystal clear and it feels amazing.
If you hesitate, feel uncomfortable, anxious or anything that does not feel good. It is a No. Quickly followed by your head rationalising it as best it can to guilt you into saying yes.
Try it and see.
Note: - People you care less about will be easier to start with and say no to. The harder no’s will be with those you love deeply like friends and family.
Say No with love
Saying No with love is best done as simply as possible with little to no explanation.
Always start by acknowledging the kind offer. Recognise the opportunity and kindly decline.
“Thank you for the invitation, it sounds like it will be a wonderful experience. For me right now I am going to decline but I would love to know when it is happening next”.
or
“Thank you for the kind offer. Now is not the right time for me. I will be in touch when it is. All the best”.
Watch the Magic
When you say no, one of two things happens.
People instantly respect you and admire your courage to hold your space for what you value in your life.
People show their true colors and condemn you. Showing their own inability to say no or their lack of respect for you or themselves. This is where you can begin to question the value they offer you in your life.
Start small, it is a process
Learning to say no and to hold space for the things you want to do in your life is a process. You need to start small, find what works best for you and expand from there.
Start by observing how requests for your times feels for you.
Begin with small no’s and move up. Start by saying no to sales person in a shop or to food you know you don’t want to eat. Then move closer to home with more personal relationships.
Remember, the objective is to always have you feeling good in the end. If it does not feel good, there is more work to be done and more truth to be found. In the meantime enjoy the process of learning and growing as you move towards getting more of what you want in your life.